Just another day for you....it's a different one for me

I wanted to talk about something else in my life. My last doctor I saw diagnosed me with depression...when he talked to me about it clinical depression was mentioned. I suffer every day, but if you met me on the streets you probably wouldn't know it. Sometimes with depression you have a few days here and there where you are sad and maybe you feel lonely...then you might have a few days where you are really happy! In general I am a happy person...I can feel happy in my heart and I can and do smile. What is different is that I have a lot more bad days than good. One positive thing about me though is that most of the time I can smile through the pain that lives inside my head. A lot of people think depression is just a made up excuse to be sad. Sometimes I cannot control my own emotions. I don't know about any of you, but being sad is not something that I think is fun! Depression isn't always just sadness either...sometimes it's a feeling that you are nonexistant or that you will never be anything good. Sometimes depression can bring dark thoughts. Sometimes you feel like a complete and utter failure. I myself have days where I will be driving and I'm happy...then suddenly I just fall into it and cry for no reason.

You might ask why I chose to talk about this! Well...trying to build a family and not having it happen can be a serious damper on depression. lol It can be a trigger for depression to begin a whole new cycle and start again over and over. Many people say don't stress and it will happen. I don't choose to be stressed it is something that comes along with the territory. A side note....studies have shown that stress is actually NOT a barrier to getting pregnant! I would say that I am very lucky to have a husband who understands that I'm going to be upset about this sometimes. Sometimes I wish he would show some emotion too, but then I remember he is a United States Marine trained to not show emotion! lol ;)

So...how can people help me? Be supportive! Please don't tell me not to stress because I am a stressed out person who stresses over every little thing in life! lol Please when I get sick don't ask me if I'm pregnant! Please be honest with me if any fertility tests I go through are going to hurt or not! lol Please understand I'm going to get upset about it sometimes and I might even say I'm done trying when I'm not. Support me! Smile! Hug Me! Share your stories with me! Share your pregnancy with me! Don't even be afraid to say I'm pregnant because I promise I am happy for others.

This is me and my journey!

I decided to start blogging a journey my husband and I are on! So before I talk about what my journey is I figure why not start with my life! I'm 28 and my husband is 25 and we have now been married for almost 6 months! Neither of us have any children! I'm a social worker and my husband is a former United States Marine! He is currently working Security at a local hospital here in Michigan! We live on the West side of Michigan close to the lake so it is very peaceful! My husband and I went to high school together in Indiana, but never hung out. We reconnected over facebook just a few very short months before his last deployment which was not easy. It's incredibly hard to maintain a relationship, new or old, when you have no communication for 7 months. Upon his return we were able to again reconnect. Since then we have been inseparable and love to spend our free time with each other! Never have I felt so close to another human being (other than my immediate family, obviously). I could not imagine life without him next to me! After close to 6 months of marriage I have realized that we continue to grow closer together and that he will probably never stop making me laugh! He did, in fact, make me spit pop out all over the floor today from laughing!

Now on to our journey! We are on a journey to having a family! I have decided to blog about it to share our story and to help get my feelings out there! I was married once before and had tried during that time and it never happened. Now after 6 months of marriage we also have no sign of a baby. It's frustrating and heartbreaking! It has not been without tears, but yet I continue to pray and hope that God will bless us! Each new cycle cuts like a knife! I do not know how else to really explain the feelings to someone who has not been in this position and I sincerely hope that none of my family and friends have to go through this! So on to the journey! I started a natural fertility medication at the beginning of September 2011 called FertilAid and FertilAidCM which is supposed to help boost fertility and cervical mucus (sorry to those who do NOT want to know this..lol). This medication has been compared to Clomid, but is one you do not need a prescription for. I also wake up at 7 a.m. religiously to take my basal temperature and chart it. *Sidenote: I am just learning to chart so I have not quite gotten that right yet* I also use something called a Fertile-Focus. It's a small microscope the size of a tube of lipstick. It tracks a hormone surge using your saliva. Before you ovulate you will have that hormone surge which shows up as what is called ferning (it looks like a fern leaf). I have noticed on my chart that I have tracked multiple surges of estrogen which could be a potential problem. I do have a doctor appointment on 9/30/11 since I have been sick for 2 weeks and it is a new doctor for me. I do not know how much he will be able to discuss with me since it is an initial appointment, but I am hoping we can discuss some test options. Only time will tell for us what is going to happen and what our options are. I can only ask that people pray that we are blessed with a positive pregnancy test at some point!

<a href="http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/36efe5">My Ovulation Chart</a>