Another new start

On Christmas we found out we were in fact NOT yet pregnant. It's beginning to feel like a far off dream. A dream that I know somehow, some way we will attain; just not yet. I guess it's just not our time. I see many young girls getting pregnant all around me and I can't help but wonder why them and why not me? I think that is just a natural reaction when dealing with infertility. Despite another failed month, my husband and I continue to keep pushing ahead, hoping each month this is it. With this past attempt came a new hope! I am slowly going from 1000 mg of metformin to 2000 mg. Right now I'm sitting at 1500 and I will do that for 4 weeks to let my body adjust. I would do it for just 2 weeks and raise it, but I had a really hard time with side effects when I first started on it and I want to keep those away. So it's been a few days on 1500 mg. and so far so good. I am having slight stomach cramps (ok they really aren't so slight, they hurt a lot) that only last about 15 minutes! I am still getting headaches, but at this time I don't want to go on medication for that also just in case I do end up pregnant! I should probably get used to taking the least amount of medicine now huh! lol Oh anyways...in addition to the higher dosage I will be meeting my new OB/GYN on February 2nd! I am really excited and I've heard great things about her! According to my PCP (Primary care physician) my new OB/GYN is looking to also start us on Clomid which will also help my body ovulate! I'm very excited to start this, but I am hoping to go into my appointment and find out we won't be needing that after all ;) lol This will be a new road and another new medication adjustment! I also have been doing research and am finding that ovulation problems are one of the easiest fertility issues to work with!

I also want to give a shout out to my girls! A while ago my friend and I formed an online support group for women who are trying to conceive or who are pregnant! Aside from my husband without these girls I do not know where I would be right now! When I feel like giving up or I'm curled up on my couch crying I know I have people to turn to who get it. They are in the same fight that I am! These women are amazing. I can't say enough about them. We all understand every tear that falls and every frustration that hits the group. We don't have to feel it alone because we all share it the same! We have women who have battled through it and have babies or will be having babies soon! They give us the hope that we need! I just want to tell each and every couple out there sitting in my shoes right now to Keep the Hope! Don't give up no matter how hard it gets!

With that said I wrote something that sort of gets my feelings out there and I want to share it!

The next time you are complaining how tired you are because your baby keeps you up at night, or how sore you are from feeding your child...how about when you are complaining your toddler won't listen to you? Remember your friend or coworker or even the stranger next to you listening to you vent would long for those sleepless nights, sore boobs, and a bratty child if it meant for just once she could experience every little feeling you are going through at that very moment. Yet she keeps silent. She wears a smile on her face as if she understands. She would give her own life if it meant providing her husband with a child...this is the women who so unselfishly attends every baby shower and shows up the night you are in labor. You don't know this women by just looking at he...r because infertility is a silent disease. Inside this women she is full of being "messed up" and even deeper is a heart so giving that she puts herself aside for those who take parenting for granted. She walks around with a smile on her face, but inside she is aching and at times feels like she is slowly dying. She gets prodded, poked, and stuck almost monthly and she knows no privacy. Not a single part of her body is off limits to doctors and TMI is a thing of the past. She wears her smile on the outside and tears flow on the inside. But you would never know who she is; she wears the layers of a silent disease -Rhiannon Snyder

"For this child we will pray"

Is it working?

So I know I haven't updated in awhile! I've been adjusting to the Metformin. I'm on week 5 of this medication and it has done a number on my body! I'm still dealing with some of the side effects though they have lessened a lot. I'm also seeing some changes in my body! I'm beginning to lose weight! Not as fast as I'd like to see, but hey I can't be too picky! :) So what is new after being on Metformin? I'm no longer having positive OPK's (Ovulation prediction kits) almost every day of my cycle! I got some positives right after my period and then I got another partial positive this Saturday. Today I got a full on positive! Why is that exciting! Well today is the day my body would normally mimic ovulation! On top of that I'm getting cervical mucus that is watery which is a good indicator of a fertile time in your cycle! I wasn't really getting watery mucus at all before! My husband and I have been really good about making sure we get in lots of BD'ing (baby dancing) this cycle without making it feel like a chore! In all reality why should it be a chore?! We are married and should really enjoy each other in that marital aspect! So on that note! I have to ask myself: Is Metformin working with my body? I would have to say based on the changes with the OPK's and CM that yes it is starting to work! I'm beginning to feel much more confident in everything related to trying to have a baby! I am due for my period on Christmas Eve day so I am hoping she just skips over me and that God blesses us with a positive pregnancy test!

I hope that everyone has a safe and enjoyable Christmas and New Year! We are excited to spend time with our families!

Finally! Some answers!

I had my yearly female exam this morning before work! I know yuck right! lol I never know why I get so nervous before these things considering it goes so fast and it's painless! Anyways!!!!!! My labs and all that were in! Guess what! My hormones, FSH, and what not were normal! Guess what wasn't!?!?! My LDL (Cholesterol) and fasting glucose! After my exam I got a diagnosis for why we weren't getting pregnant and all of my symptoms! Surprise! It's exactly what my doctor and I thought! I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome)! It is not an end all be all to getting pregnant as (while I do have a few more than normal cysts) I am not completely covered in cysts! Our first step now is starting on Metformin! We are very hopeful that Metformin will regulate my insulin so that my body will ovulate in a more regular manner and produce healthy eggs! The side effects are pretty scary and gross! From diarrhea to gas to headaches! When I say scary I mean who wants to be running to the bathroom in the middle of the work day! lol Since I'm fairly open I will be honest about my side effects! I normally don't have any side effects from medication. I'm not too proud to admit to my side effects from this medication! No I'm not running to the bathroom! LOL I made sure to have a full meal with my pill and am keeping myself hydrated! What I do have is an upset (bloated) stomach, gas, and hot flashes like a women in menopause! I'm also having some behavior changes! About 45 minutes after taking the medication I began to feel loopy and thought EVERYTHING was funny! You would have thought I was tipsy! lol Getting a diagnosis, even though I wish I had NO issues, was a weight lifted off my shoulders! It feels great to know why things aren't happening that should be! It gives me more hope! This cycle will probably not have any results being as I started Metformin tonight and I ovulate in 6-7 days and depending on what day I may be in Detroit without my husband so here's to hoping that the next cycle gives us what we want more than anything! I would love to give my family really great news on Christmas!

Breaks...sometimes we just need them!

So this cycle I have basically taken a break! I was still temping, just not at 7:00 a.m. every morning! I got lazy about it and would just temp whenever I woke up! I also wasn't too worried about making sure we BD'd (baby danced) during ovulation!   The only thing I was really into doing was tracking my surges with my fertile scope! I only had 2 detected surges this cycle instead of my 4 from the previous cycle! Now that I got this break out of my system I'm ready to start a new cycle! I'm on CD30 right now and it's usually between 31-33 days!



I added working out back into my routine! Started back today with 30 Day Shred! It is brutal and with still being sick with a nasty cough it made it hard, but I pushed myself as far as I could! I really still want to lose 50-60 lbs! It will put me back into the higher end of what should be healthy for my weight! I wouldn't mind to lose even more, but this is a good goal! I won't put a time frame on it because let's face it...I hope to get pregnant soon which means I shouldn't lose that much weight! lol

I completed my bloodwork for thyroids and glucose levels! Also my hormones were checked to see where they are also! I was supposed to have my actual exam today, but we had a mandatory open enrollment meeting at work this morning! I told them I would call them back once I started my new cycle to reschedule!

Speaking of medical appointments....the open enrollment meetings leave me stressed. Insurance went up $150 which is outrageous. We can't afford to cover both of us so I have asked my husband to check into the prices from his company. If all else fails we will either each carry our own insurance or he will go ahead with what the VA is offering him for healthcare. It also leaves me feeling helpless because I could go get preventative measures covered to not have a baby, but yet insurance refuses to cover simple procedures for infertility! It almost leaves me feeling like I'm being punished for having a hard time getting pregnant! I wish that insurance companies could see how this makes those of us with difficulties feel! On the plus side I can opt in to the Flex Spending Account and whatever I put in there I CAN use towards fertility measures! :)

I hope everyone is having a great day! And baby dust and sticky dust to all my girls out there trying hard to have a baby and those who are pregnant!

Just another day for you....it's a different one for me

I wanted to talk about something else in my life. My last doctor I saw diagnosed me with depression...when he talked to me about it clinical depression was mentioned. I suffer every day, but if you met me on the streets you probably wouldn't know it. Sometimes with depression you have a few days here and there where you are sad and maybe you feel lonely...then you might have a few days where you are really happy! In general I am a happy person...I can feel happy in my heart and I can and do smile. What is different is that I have a lot more bad days than good. One positive thing about me though is that most of the time I can smile through the pain that lives inside my head. A lot of people think depression is just a made up excuse to be sad. Sometimes I cannot control my own emotions. I don't know about any of you, but being sad is not something that I think is fun! Depression isn't always just sadness either...sometimes it's a feeling that you are nonexistant or that you will never be anything good. Sometimes depression can bring dark thoughts. Sometimes you feel like a complete and utter failure. I myself have days where I will be driving and I'm happy...then suddenly I just fall into it and cry for no reason.

You might ask why I chose to talk about this! Well...trying to build a family and not having it happen can be a serious damper on depression. lol It can be a trigger for depression to begin a whole new cycle and start again over and over. Many people say don't stress and it will happen. I don't choose to be stressed it is something that comes along with the territory. A side note....studies have shown that stress is actually NOT a barrier to getting pregnant! I would say that I am very lucky to have a husband who understands that I'm going to be upset about this sometimes. Sometimes I wish he would show some emotion too, but then I remember he is a United States Marine trained to not show emotion! lol ;)

So...how can people help me? Be supportive! Please don't tell me not to stress because I am a stressed out person who stresses over every little thing in life! lol Please when I get sick don't ask me if I'm pregnant! Please be honest with me if any fertility tests I go through are going to hurt or not! lol Please understand I'm going to get upset about it sometimes and I might even say I'm done trying when I'm not. Support me! Smile! Hug Me! Share your stories with me! Share your pregnancy with me! Don't even be afraid to say I'm pregnant because I promise I am happy for others.

This is me and my journey!

I decided to start blogging a journey my husband and I are on! So before I talk about what my journey is I figure why not start with my life! I'm 28 and my husband is 25 and we have now been married for almost 6 months! Neither of us have any children! I'm a social worker and my husband is a former United States Marine! He is currently working Security at a local hospital here in Michigan! We live on the West side of Michigan close to the lake so it is very peaceful! My husband and I went to high school together in Indiana, but never hung out. We reconnected over facebook just a few very short months before his last deployment which was not easy. It's incredibly hard to maintain a relationship, new or old, when you have no communication for 7 months. Upon his return we were able to again reconnect. Since then we have been inseparable and love to spend our free time with each other! Never have I felt so close to another human being (other than my immediate family, obviously). I could not imagine life without him next to me! After close to 6 months of marriage I have realized that we continue to grow closer together and that he will probably never stop making me laugh! He did, in fact, make me spit pop out all over the floor today from laughing!

Now on to our journey! We are on a journey to having a family! I have decided to blog about it to share our story and to help get my feelings out there! I was married once before and had tried during that time and it never happened. Now after 6 months of marriage we also have no sign of a baby. It's frustrating and heartbreaking! It has not been without tears, but yet I continue to pray and hope that God will bless us! Each new cycle cuts like a knife! I do not know how else to really explain the feelings to someone who has not been in this position and I sincerely hope that none of my family and friends have to go through this! So on to the journey! I started a natural fertility medication at the beginning of September 2011 called FertilAid and FertilAidCM which is supposed to help boost fertility and cervical mucus (sorry to those who do NOT want to know this..lol). This medication has been compared to Clomid, but is one you do not need a prescription for. I also wake up at 7 a.m. religiously to take my basal temperature and chart it. *Sidenote: I am just learning to chart so I have not quite gotten that right yet* I also use something called a Fertile-Focus. It's a small microscope the size of a tube of lipstick. It tracks a hormone surge using your saliva. Before you ovulate you will have that hormone surge which shows up as what is called ferning (it looks like a fern leaf). I have noticed on my chart that I have tracked multiple surges of estrogen which could be a potential problem. I do have a doctor appointment on 9/30/11 since I have been sick for 2 weeks and it is a new doctor for me. I do not know how much he will be able to discuss with me since it is an initial appointment, but I am hoping we can discuss some test options. Only time will tell for us what is going to happen and what our options are. I can only ask that people pray that we are blessed with a positive pregnancy test at some point!

<a href="http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/36efe5">My Ovulation Chart</a>